Hints for Newbie Doms, Part One of an Endless Series

Hints for Newbie Doms, Part One of an Endless Series

Prelude
Recently, I've been running into new doms who are young, enthusiastic, and nervous. Since it gives me great joy to help new people broaden their horizons, I thought I'd write up some hints for them. The following list of tips is one that I've compiled in my decade long experience with this sexuality. It's pretty opinionated, but these are hints, not rules. For every 100 subs, there will be one to which one of my hints does not apply. There are always exceptions. But it takes experience to know that, so it's better for the newbie dom to assume that the basic rule applies until he learns definitively otherwise. Here they are, in no particular order.

Don't play "Prove your Worth" games. If your sub isn't worthy, why are you playing with her? In accepting her submission, you've validated her worth. For example, many submissive girls who will get turned on by being called a 'slut' will get up and walk right out on you if you call her a 'worthless slut'. Embarrass her, take her dignity, play with shame if you wish--but screw with her sense of self-worth at your peril. And hers.

No Contests. If you have more than one girl, don't play them off against one another. It may be good for your ego, but it will be devastating for them. In a D/s relationship, all parties should be winners.

Be a grown up. This kind of sexuality requires an unprecedented amount of communication and maturity. Demand nothing less from yourself than your level best at being open, honest, and compromising. Prefer to 'work it out' than to 'win'. Swallow your pride if necessary--your submissive will give it back to you tenfold.

Don't lie. About anything. A submissive needs to trust you.

Be diplomatic. Truth needs to be told, but it doesn't need to be told in the most painful possible way. Every word you say has ten times more impact than anything anyone else would say. Be sensitive to your girl's feelings. She has taken down her walls so that she can put her unprotected emotions in your hand. It's a sacred thing. Don't abuse it.

Safewords are your best friend. There are other points of view on the necessity of using safewords, but mine is the right one. Safewords are an essential element of distinguishing what it is we do from abuse. Consent is paramount. Make sure your submissive has safewords. Make sure she can use them without fear of upsetting you. Make her say them out loud to you, to make sure that she can use them, before you start playing. She may get so frazzled when she's subby that she will forget. If you hear signs of struggle that worry you, go ahead and remind her what her safewords are and tell her that you're not going to stop unless she uses them.

Don't make the safeword be 'no'. In spite of whatever crap they are teaching on college campuses these days, no does not always mean no. And for a girl with a submissive psychology it seldom does. If you make 'no' the safeword, you may deprive her of one of her strongest kinks--the struggle and the nay saying.

Know that the headspace the subby girl will fall into is an altered state, not unlike being drunk. She will be more vulnerable at this time to everything, including suggestions. She may do things for you that she will regret later. She may do things for you without thought of her own safety. So curb the temptation to push too far beyond limits you've already discussed with her until you have a lot of experience.

On the other hand, don't be too timid. A submissive girl wants to be pushed. She needs you, in fact, to push her to do the things that she wants to do, but can't do by herself. It's a lovely dependence. She wants to be challenged. She wants to do things she's never done before. She wants to tingle with the naughtiness of having been guided, commanded, or even bullied into sexual acts. (Whether you're the type of dom to guide, command, or bully is really a matter of personal style.)

Don't give her too many choices. In fact, some subby girls don't want any choices. They want and need you, within the realm of sexuality, to be the one in control. The person in charge. If you give her too many choices, she may become disoriented and confused. If she doubts that you are in charge, she might run. If you're going to make a game of it with choices, it can be a lot of fun, but make sure the choices are limited--and that she is always picking between the lesser of two "evils". Be prepared to choose for her if the choices seem to frighten her.

At first, have her let you do things to her rather than command her to do things to you. Moreover, you may wish to tell her that it's her job to let you do things. This may strike you, at first, as an unnecessarily passive role on the part of the submissive girl, but you will find that she will become a more active participant once she has become comfortable with the boundaries that have been defined for her. Submissive women, on the whole, are smart, quick-witted and intellectual. When they are submissive, they are delving into the more animalistic part of their brain. Let them do so and they will be grateful to you beyond measure.

Be tolerant. Your girl might have fantasies that you don't share. It is ok for you not to be enthusiastic about trying them, but don't be judgmental about them. There is nothing that is ever wrong with any fantasy--it's a fantasy. Her Kink Is Ok. There are some doms that can use any fantasy to get off on, because he's enjoying the control rather than the act. If you can indulge all your girl's fantasies from that angle, more power to you.

If you're nervous, fake it. A lot of the art of this sexuality is confidence, real or imagined. Every good dom that ever lived was terrified at some point that he was screwing up. You're the pilot on the plane. The passenger doesn't need to know that you had to switch on the auto-pilot for a while as long as you both land safely.

Give praise and thanks. A subby girl wants to please and be pleased. A well-placed "Good Girl" is worth its weight in gold. A thank you note after the experience will get you everywhere.

Don't hide your arousal. Many newbie doms downplay that they are turned on because it makes them feel vulnerable to admit it. They want to concentrate exclusively on the girl's arousal. This is almost always a mistake. Don't be coy about when something is hot to you. Be comfortable with your arousal--it is, after all, the end-all, be-all to the submissive girl's experience. She wants to know that she is turning you on. In fact, she will often be provoked into doing even naughtier things just because she can see it makes you hard. Tell her, repeatedly, what she does that drives you crazy.

Give assignments. Your girl is sometimes going to feel frantic to do something to please you. You may not be in the mood at the moment or have the time to play out some elaborate scene. Maintaining a submissive's headspace can be an exhaustive process. This is where assignments come in. Give her small things to do when you're not together. Have her write you a story, take a picture for you, refrain from wearing panties, write your name on herself, masturbate to orgasm, flirt with someone, write you a note, look at porn, etcetera. Play little games with her. You can even make her do most of the work. One inventive dom I know had his submissive write down about a hundred things that she fantasized about doing or feared doing, put them on little slips of paper in a jar, and has her draw one out of the jar every now and again.

Do maintenance work. Like every expensive toy you will ever own, a submissive girl requires care. Most of this comes in the form of aftercare. But there are other things that need to be done. You need to reassure her that she's important with symbols and words. More importantly, you need not to look like a child incapable of making small commitments. If you disappoint her in some way, which you will because that's just part of being a human being, make a promise as to when you're going to make it up to her. And keep it. She's flailing and will need a rock to cling to. Give her one. Reluctance to make such a detailed, concrete promise for fear you will not keep it is not a badge of honor. It will leave her insecure and make you look foolish. Simply reassure her, make the promise, and keep it. That's what adults do.

Learn more. The absolute best doms and subs are those who are always learning. The day you become too proud to learn more is the day you start sucking in bed. This sexuality is a beautiful and continual learning process. Ask questions. Don't let your ego get in the way. Guaranteed, your sub will give all that ego stroking back to you in spades when she knows that you care enough to learn more.

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69 comments

elviravixen

July 14 2004, 19:45:21 UTC 7 years ago

lj cut

kaowolfie

July 14 2004, 19:56:52 UTC 7 years ago

Seriously. I hate having to hit pagedown 4 times to get a post completely off my screen.

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Hints for Newbie Doms, Part One of an Endless Series

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